Fragile
2019. Really??
I was looking through some files on my computer. Back in 2009 I had a camera that, for some reason, incorrectly time-stamped all the of files as if they were created in 2019. It was just an absurd sounding year, I thought. Coming across those pictures and videos in recent days, supposedly shot this coming August, was a pretty strange feeling.
I counted down to midnight this past December 31st along with family, versus previous years, at a location which I will not mention, where an amateur yet powerful firework display would be set off at 12:00 to the blaring tunes of Star Wars and such, inevitably causing close to catastrophic structural damage and personal injury. It was a quieter New Year’s celebration this year, and perhaps one of more reflection.
I actually made New Year’s resolutions for the first time: to get to the gym, be even more proactive about fighting my depression, and structuring even more productivity to replace any free-time I had (which is usually a recipe for ruminating.) January was a solid month for me, though despite settling into a new self-starting regimen, the darkness of previous tragedies and familiar crippling negativity moved into my new home. It occurred to me how arbitrary “new years” are, though we celebrate a new hope associated with changing the last digit on our invoices.
“We all expect it every new year, better change here, beneath the shade of darker days,” is the first line of my newest song, “Fragile.” This song is not a commentary on the disillusionment of society. I wrote “Fragile” amidst encouraging conversations I was having with myself, to find a personal mantra for focusing on the good stuff; at least enough to inspire me to keep on keeping on.
As many of you who have followed my story may know, I lost a beloved cat to FIP last April. I found out the diagnosis in late February, and (in previous blog posts you can certainly read more details on this) sought out every possible treatment for her. I put my life on hold for a month and a half, spending 6-8 hours a day sitting by her bed, trying to get her to eat enough as to not starve to death, while also funneling humidity from a steamer directly to her face to relieve the horrible congestion and wheezing. Toward the end of her hospice care, she rapidly declined, and I’d bathe her (much against her will) to wash away the excrement she slept in when she was too weak to use the litter box. Eventually one day she gasped for breath one last time in my arms, as I tried, blinded by tears, to give her CPR. I had known her for a year.
I don’t want this blog post to spiral downwards and darker. I just wanted to share one thing that has since been on my mind every day since April 2018. These events happened not long after losing several family members unexpectedly, and finding myself very quickly getting whipped up into a tornado of nihilism, loss of faith, and extreme fear of the inevitable pain associated with the human experience.
I’ve always felt the gravity of every one of my own experiences in life, as well as those of others, so deeply. I think this is a personality quality that we as a community, my listeners, share. I am so grateful for the opportunity of identifying with others like myself, who, in addition, appreciate my creative outlet of these emotions. My intention for “Fragile” was to inspire hope within myself and within all of you. As I find myself on particularly difficult days, I try to remember those words in the chorus - “You can either brace incase it [life] comes down on you, keep boarding up your view, or try to see the light that’s shining through.”
It’s been said in many different poetic ways, but life will always be uncertain. Life is what it is, it’s been what it’s been, and it will be what it will be. What really counts is how much of our precious time we choose to spend hiding away from it, or how much we spend focusing on beautiful things to look forward to. I want to leave this post on this note of hope and optimism, because it’s something I’m working towards fully adopting myself.
I really hope you’re enjoying the new song:
Fragile - Nicholas Wells
We all expect it every new year,
Better change here
Beneath the shade of darker days.
I've fought too long to let my guard down now
For what might come 'round now,
Should these blue skies turn to greys.
Cause life's as fragile as window glass
Fortified with broken panes from weathered pasts
And you can either brace incase it comes down on you,
Keep boarding up your view
Or try to see the light that's shining through.
There ain't no golden trophy or finish line
Till you're out of time,
And till then it's smiles and frowns.
I've raised so many of my white flags,
Tragic set-backs,
But this world ain't slowin' down.
Cause life's as fragile as window glass
Fortified with broken panes from weathered pasts
And you can either brace incase it comes down on you,
Keep boarding up your view
Or try to see the light that's shining through.
Cause everyone you see has carried somethin'
You never know just how hard someone's fightin'
So throw your shutters open, let the light in
You see, what will be will be.
Cause life's as fragile as window glass
Fortified with broken panes from weathered pasts
And you can either brace incase it comes down on you,
Keep boarding up your view
Or try to see the light that's shining through.