Maybe it's both

I’m an open book. I’ve always been inclined to share everything with everyone, and it’s why my songs are truthfully honest. I promise that I’m still writing new songs, and will always continue to, but I wanted to add another piece of prose to the story; exposition, if you will.

 

As I lay back writing this, laptop on my stomach, the clock approaches two weeks from the hour that I lost my cat Kate, on this very couch. The grief I experienced in that moment, and in the weeks following, deflated the life out from inside of me. I did everything I could for months to keep her healthy and comfortable until the end, and even in the moment, tried to save her and keep her breathing until she fell limp in my arms. I haven’t moved her blanket since the day, and sometimes I pass my nose by it to see if I can lock her scent away in my memory.

 

But I won’t let this pain and these macabre experiences I’ve shared with you be her final memory. She came from a shelter, having lived there for two years. The volunteers there did not know where she came from. Kate came home with terribly decayed teeth which must have been causing her so much pain. We had them fixed, and ten had to be extracted. She was a happy cat after that, and grateful to be a part of our family. She and I shared some very special times every morning, when she would climb up onto my lap as I had my coffee and read my emails. We put two beds in our front window where she and her brother Leo would spend much of the day in the sun, watching the birds at the bird feeder. She had the softest fur. Everyone said she felt like a rabbit. I saved some of her fur.

 

I truly grew from the mutual love and appreciation between us. I want to know that I’ll always remember it. I love you, little girl. 

 

In my music and in my blogging, I’ve focused a lot on the meaning of life, the passage of time, and memories of days gone by. Most of my life has been a quest for purpose; a yearning to understand the ultimate meaning of my existence and place in this world, and on this timeline more vast than can be comprehended. In high school, my philosophizing became a habitual part of my classroom daydreaming, (and I wondered why I almost failed trigonometry.) I searched for answers, in my passion for music or romantic relationships, for some host from which to derive my sense of purpose and happiness, to ease my uncomfortable agnosticism. I think the search caused me unnecessary sadness and displeasure in things that I should have enjoyed.

 

I am in love with this scene from the movie “Forrest Gump.” (Don’t watch the clip if you haven’t seen the movie, as it’s a bit of a spoiler.)

To paraphrase, Forrest says that he’s not sure if everyone has a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around, accidentally, on a breeze. He comes to the conclusion that maybe it’s both. I think the crux of the scene is what follows: “but I miss you, Jenny.”

 

My perspective on…everything…has changed over the years, and continues to. Daily. Being faced viscerally with death and family tragedy in the last several years has had a major impact…(maybe “toll” would be a better word)…on my philosophy of life. I’ve passed slowly through existential, nihilistic, and absurdist beliefs. But without delving too deeply into the process of the progression, I’d like to share where I find myself today.

 

I think it’s ultimately liberating to abandon the search. I think it’s absurd to be blind to the daily beauty that life presents us, based on the existential weight we believe it does or does not hold. I don’t think that the pursuit of dreams, love, happiness, or human connection is futile, because nothing that gives us pleasure today is pointless.

 

But I miss you, Kate.

 

I’m looking forward to singing my songs again for you all.

 

Nicholas

Comments

ApoeroVieliNop September 20, 2018 @02:48 pm
Torsion bras de quelqu'un est comment calleux votre sang pousse contre les parois de vos arteres lorsque votre coeur determination pompe le sang. Arteres sont les tubes qui transportent perseverent b gerer offre sang loin de votre coeur. Chaque age votre coeur bat, il pompe le sang a tous egards vos arteres a la reste de votre corps. https://www.cialispascherfr24.com/cialis-ibuprofen/
Elaine Byrne May 11, 2018 @09:51 am
I wish I could be as illusory with words as you. Sadly not. I often wonder whether I am doing as much as I can to justify my existence. Who's to say? I will confide 2 truisms. 1 - When my husband, a musician, died four and a half years ago, he sent me music and musicians to help ease the pain. You are someone he sent to me. You might conclude you were sent from beyond the grave. How worthwhile is That! 2 - As to Kate. Thank you so much for making her last days so loved! While we receive so much in return from our special children, I'm sure Kate would argue she was the lucky one. It hurts my heart to know she left too early, it would hurt even more if she had died in the shelter. Thank you, Nicholas, for being there for Kate and for me.
Rich cohen April 26, 2018 @01:35 pm
NICHOLAS MY FRIEND THANKS SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS.Here is mine .NICHOLAS right from tne start here is a huge purpose that is you in this world.Through your music that has touched the very souls that listen to saying what we all experience in life said with such elegance in words .amazing vocals. And music .you help us realise that ee are human vulnerable and nothing to be embarrassed about..You bri g this amazing family of friends TOGETHER in your honor .SO U DO HAVE A GREAT PLACE IN THIS WORLD. WE THANK YOU WE CARE AND WE ARE A FAMILY CAUSE OF YOU. AS FAMILY when u hurt we feel and wanna help. KATE KNEW SHE WAS SO LOVED .AND WAS able to pass on knkwing she had the best in life cause of Eho Nicholas Wells is.Forever greatful for having the chance to call u friend and brother. SO U HAVE A GREAT PURPOSE. So when soul serarching it the people in your life that u touch. Is your legacy.
Rich cohen April 26, 2018 @01:35 pm
NICHOLAS MY FRIEND THANKS SO MUCH FOR SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS.Here is mine .NICHOLAS right from tne start here is a huge purpose that is you in this world.Through your music that has touched the very souls that listen to saying what we all experience in life said with such elegance in words .amazing vocals. And music .you help us realise that ee are human vulnerable and nothing to be embarrassed about..You bri g this amazing family of friends TOGETHER in your honor .SO U DO HAVE A GREAT PLACE IN THIS WORLD. WE THANK YOU WE CARE AND WE ARE A FAMILY CAUSE OF YOU. AS FAMILY when u hurt we feel and wanna help. KATE KNEW SHE WAS SO LOVED .AND WAS able to pass on knkwing she had the best in life cause of Eho Nicholas Wells is.Forever greatful for having the chance to call u friend and brother. SO U HAVE A GREAT PURPOSE. So when soul serarching it the people in your life that u touch. Is your legacy.
Bob Hunt April 26, 2018 @12:24 pm
Nick, your music, and these blogs, are always - and inherently - eloquent. We can all say "I've been, or am now, there." One of your gifts - the Gift that gives us meaningful music and art - is your openness to experiencing life in it's fulness... the good and not so good. All I know is that we must be gentle, kind, and accepting, of ourselves - at whatever stage we're at. Just allow all your unanswered questions/doubts to simply be. When we let go of struggling & striving for "answers" we are freed to simply enjoy the life before us at this present moment. Whatever answers are to come will come easily & naturally. Just relax in being the beautiful person you are - enigmas and all. Our hearts are with you - and that counts for something.
Denise April 26, 2018 @12:13 pm
Thanks for sharing all this with us... If I could put into words what I want to say to you I would... Not just because English isn't my mother tongue I just don't find the right words. .. But in a way I think you already know exactly what I meant to say... We are looking so much forward to your music and there's going to be a lot of joy ahead for you coming from that.
Linda Burke April 26, 2018 @12:02 pm
You are so amazingly insightful and so beyond your years in your thinking. I so appreciate reading your words and thoughts about why we are all here. You have so eloquently and thoughtfully expressed this and it is very healing to me and others I am sure. Our family has experienced a lot of loss over the last 10 years all our parents, and some very beloved pets. We recently lost my dad, and I have really begun to wonder what this life is all about. Being so grateful everyday for all the blessings I and my beautiful little family have. For all the miracles I have been blessed with through my life. But there is that lurking question, what is our ultimate purpose. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on this. We are keeping you in our prayers and hoping you are healing from the lost of your very special kitty Kate.
  • Leave a comment:

  •